“Don’t work hard and don’t fail because it’s not worth it and life is unfair so why bother anyways?”

STEVE JOBS (DID NOT SAY THIS)

Protect your ego from criticism

Get defensive about everything

Find a job you hate

Stay at that job you hate for 10 years

On the 10th anniversary of hating your job, promise (outloud) you’re finally quitting, but, really, we all know it’s just the same spiel as last time and you’ll be clocking in again tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that

Surround yourself with people who hate their jobs

Surround yourself with people who hate themselves

Surround yourself with people who secretly hate you but won’t admit it

Eat a ton of carbs

Eat a ton of sugar

Eat salads at fast food joints, claim you’re ‘eating healthy this week’

If you do any good deed, tell everyone how much of a good person you are

If you do a bad deed, tell everyone how much you had no other choice

Be pessimistic about everything

When people tell you about their dreams and goals, stomp on them

Be jealous of anyone who’s achieved even a small amount of happiness or success

When given any amount of responsibility, complain

When your boss complains about you, complain back

Complain. About everything

Show up late. To work. To parties. To everything

Be a victim

Believe in pseudoscience

Window shop for conspiracy theories to ramble on about at work

Always “never have the time” for reading books

Always “never have the time” for working out

Always “never have the time” for anything productive or spiritually enriching

Have all the time in the world for conspiracy theory window shopping

Decide, as a matter of fact, that all successful people are lucky

Decide, as a matter of fact, that all successful people are morally corrupt

Decide, as a matter of fact, that all unexceptional people are doomed to be unexceptional for the rest of their lives

Believe, like everyone else, that life is unfair, but treat it as an excuse to keep being unexceptional

And finally,

Close your mind to any possibility of improving in any area of your life.

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