Most Things Suck: An Essay That Covers Just About Everything

(Why It’s so Hard to Talk About Things That Suck)

There are a lot of things I could do with my life. Most of them I’d suck at.

I’d suck at being a brain surgeon. I’d suck at being an astronaut. And I’d probably suck at being a NASCAR driver.

But then there’s the stuff I like doing.

I like podcasting.

I like blogging.

I like editing videos and making goofy shit on the internet.

But I suck at those things, too.

One thing about being human is that you’re fucked either way. Even the stuff you like doing for fun, you suck at.

You suck at writing.

You suck at drawing.

You suck at knitting. You probably can’t even wipe your own ass properly.

The only thing you’re good at is sucking.

But that’s another thing about being human. We’re great at sucking. We’d suck all day if we could. This is why I think that haters and critics are some of the smartest people on the planet. “That movie sucked.” — Hey wait, they’re right! That movie did suck! Most movies suck, but we just don’t realize it. That’s something else we all suck at – knowing a good movie from a bad one. This is why we need critics. Without critics we repeat the same mistake of giving Marvel $200,000,000 the opening week of an Avengers movie and only $190,000 the opening week of There Will Be Blood. There Will Be Blood is a great movie. But do you know anyone who was talking about that movie when it came out? Nobody! Nobody saw There will Be Blood. I haven’t even seen it. But I saw The Avengers – and I thought it sucked.

Most of the stuff that we eat and watch and read suck. Barnes & Nobles have this window display dedicated to the newest books by the hottest authors. You would think that a space dedicated to good books would show off, oh, I don’t know, great literary figures who spend years of their lives crafting extraordinary stories of adventure with penetrating insight into the human spirit. I walked by a B&N last week and you know which author was in the window display? Robin DiAngelo. Robin DiAngelo writes books for people who apologize for sneezing. Why are we buying books by Robin DiAngelo? Well, let’s go back to the critics. Robin DiAngelo’s sort of a genius if you think about it. Her books sell so many copies because she’s come up with an idea that makes it impossible to criticize her. Like I said earlier, we need critics to tell us which things suck and which things don’t. But if you criticize Robin DiAngelo’s work, you’re immediately labelled Racist, Nazi, Xphobe, Bigot, or all of the above. Criticizing The Avengers isn’t as career-ending as criticizing Saint DiAngelo. And so the critics keep the secret to themselves, and then we’re left buying more books that suck while Steinbeck and Dostoevsky collect dust in the bargain bin.

Most things suck. This blog sucks. And I can say that because I’m writing it. If you say that I suck at writing, I’ll tell you that you’re wrong, but I at the same time, Yeah, you’re right. I do suck at writing, this thing I enjoy doing everyday. I do it everyday because, well, I guess another thing about being human is that doing things we suck at is just good for our soul. So I suppose Robin DiAngelo’s practicing self-care when she publishes books that suck. I can forgive her for that. And I can forgive everyone who buys books that suck because I’ve bought books that suck, too. And I’ve read the books that suck and it’s helped me realize that it’s really hard to write a book that doesn’t suck. So while it probably sounds elitist of me to say that most things suck, what I’m trying to tell you is that I’m in favor of people who remind us that most things suck.

Most things suck. But maybe we don’t want things that don’t suck. Maybe we only want New things. New books. New movies. New shows. Maybe we’re bored of the same old shit that doesn’t suck, the same old Daniel Day Lewis and Jonny Greenwood and Paul Thomas Anderson. We’ve seen all that before. We want something New, something fresh. Give us anything but this masterpiece bullshit. I don’t care if it’s beautiful or not. I want something I haven’t seen before.

Most things suck. We’re terrified of admitting it. We don’t like the bubble of our taste popped by critics. And so what if people like things that suck? So what if people like eating shit for breakfast? To each his own, right? So go ahead and read Robin DiAngelo. Go watch any movie that doesn’t star Daniel Day Lewis scored by Jonny Greenwood. Maybe you’re an art-masochist and you get off to hurting yourself with music and movies and books that suck. More power to you.

In conclusion, I can’t think of a better way to conclude this than to tell you I can’t think of a way to conclude this at all. Because, like most things, this sucks.

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